Clearfield, Utah ©Brian Griffin 2011

Eden, Utah ©Brian Griffin 2011

Sorry that I have to say this, but I do. This image contains NO digital hocus-pocus. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Perry, Utah ©Brian Griffin 2011

Willard, Utah ©Brian Griffin 2011

So, a few weeks ago, I found myself at our local supermarket late at night, and I had ONE thing in my shopping cart: A giant package of toilet paper.  Now,it’s a well-known fact that whenever you pass someone in the grocery store, you glance at the contents of their cart, and then you think something. Usually something like, “Hey, looks like they’re going on a picnic”, or “Gee, she must really like ice cream”, but when I only have a giant pack of TP in my cart, I’m pretty sure that other shoppers are thinking “Wow, that guy must really poop a lot”

Now, I’m not totally stupid, I know that Everyone Poops. But I don’t necessarily want to be associated with that image, so, as a diversion, I grabbed a Big Hunk from the candy aisle as I glided by, and placed it on top of the multiple rolled, plastic-wrapped, bathroom behemoth.

I briefly believed that my diversion had worked, because when I scooted towards the door after completing my transaction, the overly friendly cashier called after me “Enjoy your candy, sir!”

But I know what she was thinking.

I hate to interrupt you while you are surely congratulating each other on the sales tax revenue windfall generated by your new firework laws, but before you make your final calculations, I would like to bring to your attention some additional expenses to consider. First, I think each Utah household should be given a supply of Ambien for next July, and should receive free therapy for all pets exposed to 28 days of random explosions. Our dog Tux has always been crazy, but has now stopped eating, and our cat Reggie has stopped chasing grasshoppers for fear of things just blowing up without warning.

Seriously, have you considered the impact on animals of a month of fireworks going off over a span of six or seven hours each day? And have you considered the sanity of your citizenry lighting a $35 arial firework sequence at 4 PM? It’s mind boggling.

I know that I can’t argue against the general public’s urge to blow stuff up, but can’t it be limited to the actual holiday? We can then reasonably gather our pets inside and hold each other until the barrage is over. Personally, I prefer to gather with the community and watch the professionals run the show. I can then satisfy my annual firework and Neil Diamond needs all in one glorious night.

Thanks for considering this constituent.

(A little background information for those of you not familiar with local Utah stuff: This year, new fireworks laws were introduced in Utah that now allow powerful arial fireworks to be set off by ordinary citizens for pretty much the whole month of July. Lawmakers official explanation for the change was that they wanted to keep the sales tax revenue in state, as many Utahns make a run to the border to buy Wyoming fireworks.)

Newton, Utah © Brian Griffin 2011

Hooper, Utah ©Brian Griffin 2011

I hang out in only the nicest places…

Layton, Utah @Brian Griffin 2011